How To Handle Women According to Kayne West


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After the popularity of the Dating Advice From Drake article, I thought I would do something in the same vein. And although I wouldn’t say Kanye is the the best person to look to for dating advice, he’s better than Chris Brown and I’m really into Yeezus right now so this is who we’re gonna analyze, okay? Okay.
Kanye is not afraid to tell you how he feels about the ladies in his first album, The College Dropout:

Just spit a couple of lines, then maybe I’ll be able to give her dick all the time, and get her high

Give head, stop breathe, get up, check your weave
Don’t drop the blunt and disrespect the weed

So excuse me miss, I forgot your name
Thank you, God bless you, good night, I came.. I came.. I came..

Ah, yes. I remember college. T’was just like that. All ya had to do was talk us up, get us high, and give us dick. [sarcasm]

However, Kanye speaks not to those who are looking for any serious dating during their “college” days, but instead to those who feel their dick is a gift to all women, and should be shared will all – “Maybe one day girl we can bone, so you can brag to all your homies“. He’s not above equal love for all shapes and sizes – “I still mess with a big girl, if you ain’t fit girl, I’ll hit girl” but he will insist you let him help you “improve” yourself with his custom diet and workout plan!

All the mocha lattes, you gotta do Pilates
You gotta pop this tape in before you start back dating

Eat your salad, no dessert
Get that man you deserve

Whole lot of ego for someone who hasn’t won any of his 21 Grammy Awards yet. But no one’s denying that the man knows how to get a lady out of her pants:

I’m gonna bring the cool whip
Then I want you to strip

I’m a play this Vandross,
You’re gonna take your pants off
I’m gonna play this Gladys Knight

Can you say “panty-dropper”? Wow. [more sarcasm] And of course, being the upstanding gentleman that he is, Kanye is also always there as a shoulder to cry on:

While we drive she tellin’ me ’bout problems with her man
Baby I fully understand
Let me help you with a plan
While he trickin’ off, don’t get no rich nigga
Give ME some head, that’ll really piss him off

Oh, Kanye. You scoundrel you. How to handle women? Learn some killer pick-up lines, always have drugs available, don’t get serious, give them dick.
In Late Registration, Kanye generally stays away from dating and women, but it seems that he encountered an age-old lady problem at some point between dropping out and re-registering:

Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger
But she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas

She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years
I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his

It’s something that you need to have
‘Cause when she leave yo ass she gonna leave with half

How to handle women? Do not be a wealthy black man. If you are a wealthy black man and you choose to start dating, choose your ladies wisely. Do not get a girl pregnant. And on this occasion, maybe don’t give them dick.
Around Graduation time, it seems Kanye’s more about chasing particular women than he is about thoughtlessly giving the dick to everyone. And how could he fail with such smooth lines?!

Something in your blouse got me feeling so aroused

You could be my black Kate Moss tonight
Play secretary, I’m the boss tonight

Stop dancing with your girlfriend and come dance with me
Stop talking about your boyfriend since he is not me
Stop running up my tab cause these drinks is not free

I don’t know if you got a man or not,
If you made plans or not
God put me in the plans or not
I’m trippin’ this drink got me sayin’ a lot
But I know that God put you in front of me

More drinks, more rejection, and he quickly changes his tune:

So how the hell could you front on me?
There’s a thousand you’s, there’s only one of me

We go through too much bullshit just to mess with these drunk and hot girls

How to handle women? Dating is a numbers game – spew enough pickups, try to keep your cool, and eventually one will work (also, give them dick):

You only live once do whatever you like
I thought I’d be with you for only one night
Now I’m with this girl for the rest of my life

So, that’s how he met his fiancé. Huh.
Then we hit 808’s and Heartbreaks: Kanye is heart broken, lonely, and depressed. His mother has recently passed, and his fiancé ended their engagement. He doesn’t take it well, referring to his now-ex’s treatment of him as “the coldest story ever told“, on top of these gems:

You spoiled little LA girl

Just looking at your history
You like the girl from Misery

You think your shit don’t stank
but you are Mrs. P-U

Ouch, man. Way to be the bigger person here. How to handle women? Act like a dick until the lady you’re dating breaks up with you and then be a baby about it. And give them dick.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy openly promotes the use of alcohol and drugs, and expresses the resulting nonchalant attitude: 

I need more drinks and less lights
and that American Apperal girl in just tights

I don’t need your pussy, bitch I’m on my own dick

I sent this girl a picture of my dick.
I don’t know what it is with females
But I’m not too good with that shit.

I think I fell in love with a porn star
And got married in a bathroom
Honeymoon on the dance floor
And got divorced by the end of the night

How to handle women? Don’t. Just get high and drunk and let things (dick) happen.
Given, Watch the Throne was a collaboration with Jay-Z, so his influence is here as well, but I always kind of assumed Jay-Z would be a good influence? I don’t know.. Kanye’s antics only seem to get worse in this album:

Come and meet me in the bathroom stall
And show me why you deserve to have it all

Coke on her black skin made a stripe like a zebra
I call that jungle fever
You will not control the threesome
Just roll the weed up until I get me some

And it gets weirdly possessive:

No sins as long as there’s permission’
And deception is the only felony
So never fuck nobody wit’out tellin’ me

That’s my bitch. I paid for them titties, get your own.

How to handle women? Uh, more drunken, drug-fueled antics? I guess? And treat them like property. And give them dick. Yeah, bitches love that.
I feel like with Yeezus we’ve come full-circle Kanye in regards to his thoughts on dating and handling women. Steal women from boyfriends and husbands (possibly by force?):

Fuck you and your Hampton house
I’ll fuck your Hampton spouse
Came on her Hampton blouse
And in her Hampton mouth

Skip the respect. Give them dick.

Black dick all in your spouse again
And I know she like chocolate men
She got more niggas off than Cochran

However, he does seem to be worshipping the lady-bits and understanding their needs a little bit more now. Good for you, Kanye. You go, Kanye.

Careless whispers, eye fuckin’, bitin’ ass
Neck, ears, hands, legs, eatin’ ass
Your pussy’s too good, I need to crash
Your titties, let ’em out, free at last

Tell your boss you need an extra hour off
Get you super wet after we turn the shower off

I wanna fuck you hard on the sink
After that, give you something to drink

OH, God. Not this though. Never this, Kanye:

Put my fist in her like a civil rights sign
And grabbed it with a slight grind
And held it ’til the right time
Then she came like AAAAAHHH!

Kanye, have you ever brought a woman to orgasm before? That is not what it should sound like. Those are scream of pain because FISTING. (Please reference video below, at 2:18)

How to handle women? No album better represents Kanye’s belief in the giving of the dick than Yeezus – “You know I need that wet mouth, I know you need that reptile“. But he also finishes this album with my favorite Kanye though on women:

One good girl is worth a thousand bitches.

Preach, Kanye. Preach.