Squeezing Breasts May Be the Key to Curing Cancer

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I can say with a great deal of confidence that I’m sure the very first man on Earth was the one that discovered squeezing boobs is awesome. And I’m even more sure it played a good role in why people started dating – 24/7 boob-squeezing access. Okay, that’s probably not true. Guys strive for it, girls crave it – most girls play with their own breasts, and hell, even straight girls have usually squeezed a breast or two before. So, if you’re dating someone, don’t waste the opportunity!

We can all agree that there are endless reasons why breasts are awesome, but now there’s a new super cool reason to add to the list! Scientists say that squeezing breasts could help malignant breast cancer cells return to normal, thus preventing them from causing cancer.

Wait, what?

Yep! Scientists at UC Berkeley and the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory set forth to research the effects of putting pressure on breast cancer cells. (So, do these guys have the best jobs in the world, or what?) And what did they find? That’s right – putting pressure on malignant cells can help guide them back into a healthy growth pattern. In less science-y words.. squeezing boobs can stop cancer! Yay!

I would love to have heard the pitch for that experiment! 😉

The research warns that this information should not be taken as a sole cure or treatment for breast cancer. But hey, it can’t hurt, right?

What can I do with this information?

Dating? Time to get more intimate with the girls! There’s so many things you can do with boobs. Yet, as a quick scroll through some men’s forums informed me, most men consider themselves “ass men” and don’t fully appreciate the greatness of boob play. Pardonne moi? Ladies and gentlemen – if you are not into playing with boobs, you are not doing it right.

I’ve been lucky enough to date “boob guys” and let me tell you ladies, no matter how certain you are that boob-related foreplay is ineffective for you – you’re wrong.

Fellas, take your time and build up slowly. Not only will it make her more turned on, and more crazy for you, but it makes her feel like you really appreciate her body. Gently graze your fingers around her breasts – up along her clavicles and along the side-boob and under-boob. Work your way in – grazing, stroking, kissing – but avoid the nipples (for now)! Make sure you hit between her breasts too. Slow, gentle squeezing would be appropriate here. When you’ve got her moaning for more, then by all means you can give it to her. But before you go full-tilt suckling and motor-boating, just flick her nipples with the tip of your tongue. Get them wet and then gently blow on them. She should really be squirming by now!

Now – lick, kiss, suck, nibble, bite, grab, squeeze – do whatever gets the best reactions from her. Then essentially continue this, but with increased pressure and roughness. This is where the cancer-curing squeezing should come in! Discover her limits. Some girls will enjoy full-on nipple clamps, some are too sensitive for even light pinching, but most will fall somewhere in between and it’s up to you to figure it out! She’ll let you know when you’ve gone too far.

Feeling a little more kinky? Why not indulge in some edible body paints, or find some other fun food items you’d like to involve? Ice can also be fun to get creative with.

And let’s not forget good ol’ titty fucking! Either straddle her while she’s on her back, or have her move up and down while you’re seated – just place yourself between her tits, have her squeeze them together, and go to town! Ah, the joys of dating.

Not dating? Well, think of all the marvelous pick up lines this new information offers! Why not strike up a conversation with this amazing ice breaker? But be sure to have this article open on your phone or tablet or what-have-you so that you can back up your claims when your soon-to-be-second-base partner thinks you’re bluffing.

I can’t guarantee you won’t get a drink thrown in your face (people can be understandably sensitive about breast cancer), but maybe you can at least take solace in knowing that they will probably most definitely go home and google it that night. Bam. You just prevented someone from getting breast cancer. Consider yourself a hero.

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And ladies of the world, start giving your girls some love on a daily basis! Self-examining your breasts for anything unusual should be part of your daily routine anyway, but now we know that all that squeezing may actually prevent that horrible cancer that you’re looking for the in the first place. If you’re dating someone, then you can simply get twice as much titty touching!

Boobs lovers of the world, get squeezin’!

Anyone have any more boob-lovin’ tips??